


I Have Loved You All Along (And I Hate It)

by tonishvlby



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29726439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonishvlby/pseuds/tonishvlby
Summary: A concussion and uncomfortably low GPA is just enough to put Toni Shalifoe over the edge.The last thing she can handle is love. The falling into love. The hurt, the fear, the vulnerability that demands to be felt.A tutor and love aren't exactly synonymous either, until well, they are.And she hates it.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	1. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: BRIEF MENTION OF DRUG USE

“What?” Toni shouted. “I was out for months on concussion protocol and you’re acting like this is fully on me?” she yelled, growing hot in the face.

“Toni! That is enough! Sit down, now!” Coach Baker yelled.

“Raise your voice at me like that again, you’ll be benched for the Westview game, clear?”

Toni rolled her eyes and scoffed at the floor.

“Is that clear, Ms. Shalifoe?” Coach asked again, drilling her tone into Toni’s eardrums.

“Yes! We’re clear. Can I please leave now, Fatin and Rach are waiting for me.” Toni said.

“Not so fast. We have to assign you a tutor.” Coach said, pulling out a slip of paper.

“Are you fucking serious?” Toni hissed.

“I’m fine! I have like the entire quarter to fix this okay? Just let me do this on my own.”

“Language! And no. I’ve been advised by Mr. Hochler to assign you a tutor for both physics and calculus.” Coach said as she scribbled down on the lined paper.

“Great.” Toni mumbled.

She looked around the room.

It was small, full of file cabinets, Coach Baker’s college jersey on display behind her swivel chair, and the room was glowing with the natural autumn light that Toni loved.

She touched her feet down to the floor, sticky with spilt coffee, and began to spin in her chair, waiting for whatever name would be scrawled into the tiny sticky note.

Her eyes drifted from the floor and met the window of the office room.

The window revealed the library, crammed with desks, bookshelves, and a copy machine.

Standard high school bullshit.

Toni shook her head as Rachel passed by the window with her middle finger pressed against her forehead, Fatin following right behind, doing the same.

Toni sighed and shifted her gaze to the very back of the library.

As crowds of friends moved to the tables, Toni felt something tugging at her eyes.

She fixed her sights on the one table that was separate from all of the others.

In the back of the library, left corner, a girl was sitting alone.

She was blonde, and her hair flowed just past her chest.

She had on one of those really nicely fitted t-shirt dresses, a sheer top over it, and a pair of platform Vans.

She looked up from her annoyingly color-coded binder that Toni had picked up on, and caught her stare.

Toni froze as their eyes met.

Her eyes were green, tinted with the slightest bit of blue. They were beautiful.

Her skin was toned, and the bridge of her nose and beneath her eyes were speckled with freckles.

Their eyes stayed locked, Toni’s mouth agape.

The blonde lowered the pen she’d been chewing on and smiled, her dimples forming right at the corners of her mouth.

“Toni. Toni. Antoinette!”

“What? What. Sorry.” Toni said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

“Here. Shelby Goodkind is going to be your tutor. Your first meeting with her will be in the library tomorrow at 7:45. Don’t bail Shalifoe.” Coach said sternly.

“I won’t. I can’t not be there to kick Westview’s ass right?” Toni said, smirking.

“Cuss again in this room and I will have you running sprints until you vomit. Get to lunch.”

“Okay alright. See you at practice.” Toni said, heading out of the office chuckling.

She realized as she stood outside of the room that she’d have to pass by the girl that just made her have a full fledged gay panic in the middle of her guidance appointment.

Fuck sake.

“Okay this is fine. You can do this just chill the fuck out.” Toni whispered to herself in her head.

The girl stood at the sign in desk, her back turned towards Toni.

Toni sprinted past her when she heard her voice.

“Hey!” she said.

Her voice was perfect. It wasn’t high, but it wasn’t deep either.

It had hints of rasp that made Toni’s stomach flutter.

Toni turned around, looking around the library, making sure that she was hearing this right, that this wasn’t way too fucking good to be true.

Toni stood there awkwardly, her mouth unsure of what to formulate in response.

“You play on the basketball team right? Number 3?” the blonde asked, smiling sweetly, her arms crossed against her chest.

“Yeah, yeah I do.” Toni said. “How’d you remember my number?” Toni asked, interested in the reason why she was so memorable to a girl she’d just met.

“Well you’re like the best player on the team and,” she started, biting her lip nervously “I meant to talk to you after you got out of the h--

The blonde was interrupted, as Rachel and Fatin ran up to Toni. They grabbed Toni and were headed towards the exit. 

“I’ll see you around! I’m Toni by the wa--

Toni was interrupted by Fatin, tugging her arm off of the door frame that she had held on to.

Toni was swept away from the library, leaving the girl standing alone.

“You’re Toni. I know.” the blonde said to herself, blushing up at the ceiling. 

///

“What the fuck!” Toni shouted at Fatin.

“What’s up with you gay panic on legs?” Fatin said, chuckling.

“I was mid conversation with her, and you two assholes just ruined it. Fuck sake.” Toni said, groaning as she sat down with her lunch tray.

“So, who was that?” Rachel asked, with a mouth full of turkey sub.

“For starters, stop talking with your mouth full before I vomit. Two, I don’t have a damn clue because two idiots you might know ruined the entire conversation before I could even get her name.” Toni shouted, as she started downing half her Gatorade.

“Didn’t you have to pay a visit to Coach Bakes?” Fatin asked.

“Yeah I did. Turns out I need a tutor in calc and physics. Hochler screwed my ass.” Toni groaned, rolling her eyes as she unrolled the sticky note from her back pocket.

“Have you guys ever heard of Shelby Goodkind? Apparently she’s in AP physics and calc, like Marie fucking Curie reincarnate.” Toni said.

“I heard people talking about her in the hall. I don’t really get how she ended up here. She moved here back in July from Fort Travis.” Rachel said, unwrapping the last bit of her sandwich from crinkled foil.

“Yeah, but I don’t have a single clue about the bitch.” Rachel said.

Toni furrowed her brows and grabbed the crumpled foil, tossing it to herself.

“Well...I heard she’s quite the pageant gal and a super fucking hot cheerleader.” Fatin said, filing her nails.

“You need to get laid.” Toni said, shaking her head.

“Oh like you don’t! What do you think I’m filing these babies for?” Fatin laughed back, clawing at Toni’s tray with her freshly filed nails.

Toni looked down.

“Sorry T.” Fatin said. “I know it’s been, you know. Shitty.”

“It’s fine. I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Toni said, slinging her bookbag over her shoulder.

///

Toni had just broken up with her girlfriend Regan, that being the cause of the concussion itself. 

They’d just gotten out of the movie theater about two weeks ago when Toni had to tussle with a bunch of bigoted homophobes in the parking lot.

She caught a punch straight to the head and the lights went out, not only on her own consciousness, but on her and Regan’s relationship. 

The reason it all went to shit was nothing Toni hadn’t heard before.

“Your anger issues are a burden and a fucking liability.”

Same shit every time. 

Toni had never known anything different than being told that she was a problem, a burden, a mess, any of those sad fucking synonyms. She’d heard it all.

She was broken.

That part wasn’t wrong.

She always had been.

///

Toni wiped the sleep from her eyes as she walked through the hall, peering into the empty classrooms as she went.

She made her way to the library’s double doors when she felt a tug at her sleeve.

“Morning.” the voice said.

Toni turned around to see the blonde running to catch up to her.

“Oh, hey.” Toni croaked, her voice still in its morning phase.

“You’re awake.” the other girl said.

“Not really, I’m a slow starter.” Toni said, holding back a yawn she knew would scare the girl away. 

“Where you headed then Ms. Slowpoke?” the girl teased.

“Well, on this gorgeous autumn day at 7:27, I am on my way to be tutored.” Toni said, unfolding the sticky note like she’d done the day before. “Shelby Goodkind.” Toni said, looking at the note, scratching her head.

The blonde stopped walking.

“Wait,” she started, “I’m tutoring you?”

Toni stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the girl

“You’re,” Toni hesitated, “you’re Shelby?” she asked.

“Yeah I, I kinda just remembered you never actually got my name the other day.” Shelby said, biting her lower lip, her cheeks glowing pale pink.

“This makes a lot of sense actually.” Toni said. “Your super tiny little backpack and your pretty sick color coded binder with the little plastic dividers.” Toni said.

“How do you know about my binder?” Shelby asked, her eyebrows raised intently.

“Just an observation.” Toni said nervously. 

A few awkward smiles at each other lingered heavily until Toni intervened, “I’m Toni, by the way.”

Shelby smirked. “I know. Number 3, point guard, best fucking player on the t--

She stopped herself, as she glanced over at Toni chuckling.

“Sorry. We should probably get to the library.”

“No.” Toni said.

“Wait, but we can’t blow this off. You’ll miss your game, and I really don’t want to ruin that for y--

“Stop talking and come with me.” Toni chuckled, pointing her head back to the door leading to the exit.

“Where are we going?” Shelby asked, genuinely curious as to where they’d possibly be going at 7:41 am. “I have French and--

“Looks like you’ll have to find out Goodkind!” Toni beamed, Shelby’s eyes locked on hers. 

///

“So, the thing is,” Toni said, leading Shelby to the parking lot, “you’re driving.”

Shelby shook her head. “I don’t like this.”

“Well, I want pancakes.” Toni said, hopping into the passenger side of Shelby’s black Jeep Wrangler.

“That’s seriously where we’re going? Breakfast?” Shelby asked, rolling her eyes at the grinning brunette beside her.

“It’s the perfect way for me to figure out if I even like you. I don’t want to be tutored by someone that I can’t even have a conversation with, let alone a plate of pancakes.” Toni said.

Shelby turned the key, the engine beginning to pur. “Clearly, you like me already because you would not have left school grounds to take anyone you just met to breakfast.”

“Objection! You’re taking me to breakfast.” Toni said, snapping her seatbelt into place, smirking up at the charmed blonde.

“This is going to be the longest month of my life.” Shelby said, groaning as she backed out of the lot.

She had her hand propped against the back of her headrest as she backed out. She bit her lip when she glanced in her rearview.

As they turned left out of the lot, Toni gulped down the flutter she felt in her stomach.

///

“Thanks.” Toni said, as the waiter went to grab their drinks.

“So. Tell me about you.” Toni said, rolling her silverware out of the rolled napkin.

“What do you want to know?” Shelby asked, placing her keys beside her silverware.

“Like, how’ve things been? At school?” Toni asked.

“Fine. I mean, I’m used to having to adjust in uncomfortable situations. Adapting to people’s bullshit is nothing new. The people are good here, better than Texas. I like it here.” Shelby said, wrapping her hair around her index finger.

“Look, I know people can be shitty. Trust me. I don’t really know what they’ve been shitty to you about, probably just ‘new girl’ bullshit.” Toni said, glancing up from her lap.

“Yeah. Something like that.” Shelby said. “How about you? How’s the concussion been?” she asked.

“It’s been okay. Some days are rougher than others.” Toni said.

“Do you remember me? At all?” Shelby asked.

“What do you mean?” Toni asked.

“I take that as a no. Well, on the night of your accident, I was there.” Shelby said.

“Wait, actually? No bullshit?” Toni asked, amused.

“Yeah no bullshit.” Shelby said, smiling. “You probably won’t wanna hear this, but after everything went down, that girl you were with, Regan? She left.” Shelby said.

Toni began tapping her fork on the edge of her plate, looking in every direction except Shelby’s.

“I was the one who brought you to the hospital.” Shelby said, grabbing the fork from Toni’s hand, and placing it back on the table.

“Why would you do that for me?” Toni said, choking up a bit.

“I wasn’t gonna leave someone on the floor of a wet parking lot, Toni. You were like, really hurt.” Shelby said.

“I guess I just. I’m not used to people giving a shit. My dad’s been a no show since day one and the only thing my mom seems to give a shit about is how much coke she can snort without me noticing. It’s just strange when people actually do anything for me. It’s just not something I’m used to, the receiving end of human fucking decency.” Toni said, her eyes getting glassy.

“What are you doing?” Toni asked, as she saw Shelby making her way to her side of the booth.

Shelby sat down beside her.

“You shouldn’t dictate your own worth based on the way you’ve been treated in the past.” Shelby said.

Toni sighed, raising her hands into the collar of her shirt, pulling it up to hide her face.

Before Shelby could say another word, Toni had run to the bathroom.

///

“Toni! Toni!” Shelby yelled, looking under each stall door.

“Ton--

Toni wasn’t in a stall at all. 

Shelby looked down, and there she was.

Curled up, sitting on the cold floor, her back against the wall.

Labored sobs and sniffles echoed against the walls of the diner restroom.

“Do you want me to go? I can meet you back at the--

Before Shelby could say another word, Toni’s hands were wrapped around her.

“Thank you.” Toni said.

Shelby felt Toni’s head fall into place on her shoulder.

Shelby wrapped her arms around Toni’s shaking body, feeling her shake beneath her palms.

She squeezed tighter as she cried harder.

“Can tutors and their clients be friends?” Toni asked, her breath steadier now.

“You’re not my client.” Shelby laughed into the back of Toni’s neck, still wrapped around her.

“I think we already are.” Shelby said.

“What?” Toni asked.

“Friends. If that’s all right.” Shelby said, pulling her hands apart from the middle of Toni’s back.

Toni looked up from her sweating palms, and latched one hand onto Shelbys, pulling them both back into the diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter one!! I will try to update weekly/bi-weekly! I really like this storyline so far, and I hope you guys do too!
> 
> -gray <3 (tonishvlby)


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter, Shelby and Toni get closer and you saw Toni's vulnerable side.
> 
> She's not afraid to show it to someone she's only just met.
> 
> This chapter, you will get to see Shelby find that same comfort in Toni, as you learn more about her past.
> 
> Enjoy!

Toni’s alarm buzzed against her nightstand as she groaned out of bed.

It was Saturday morning, which meant practice from 8:00 AM-12:00 PM.

She put her feet on the cold, hardwood floor of her bedroom and stooped down low enough to meet her dog’s face.

“Bailey girl,” Toni whispered, caressing the dog’s ears. “come here.” Toni said, patting the bed.

Bailey jumped up and into her lap.

She rubbed her eyes and reached for her phone on the desk across from where she sat.

A few notifications fluttered on her screen, but one made her more excited than she knew she should be.

Shelby’s name was one of the messages that was lingering in her inbox, waiting, grabbing at her attention.

“Bailey, Bailey, Bailey.” Toni groaned, pressing her nose to the dog’s scruffy snout.

She put her phone back on the desk and reached for her clothes.

She put on her uniform, grabbed her duffle back and her phone, and left her room to head down to the kitchen.

Bailey trailed at her heels, snuffling at the back of Toni’s legs.

Toni chuckled and took a waffle from the plate of them that Marty had left out for her.

She slid her thumb across the screen, opening Shelby’s message.

“look outside :))” her screen read.

Toni grinned, and walked over to the door.

She opened the door to see the jeep parked in her small driveway.

“Hey!” Shelby yelled from the driver’s side window.

“It’s Saturday!” Toni yelled back, taking another bite of waffle.

“We have practice!” Shelby hollered, her smile hugging her cheeks.

“What are you talking about?” Toni asked, as crumbs of waffle spilled onto the carpet from the corners of her open mouth.

Shelby leaned backward and grabbed something from the backseat.

She held up two pom poms in the air and started to shake them.

Bailey cocked her head up at the sound, and ran to the driver’s side, where Shelby shook the gold pom poms.

“Go Firebirds!” Shelby said enthusiastically. 

“Who is this?” Shelby squealed, scratching behind Bailey’s ears.

“That? That is my best friend Bailey. What do you think of her Bail’s? Smells way too sweet huh?” Toni said, smirking at the blonde through the piercing light of autumn.

“Excuse you! Whatever I smell like, she likes it. You’re just jealous.” Shelby said, as she sat on her heels in Toni’s driveway, hugging Bailey.

“I don’t get jealous.” Toni said, knowing that was the furthest thing from truth.

“Come here Bailey! Come here girl!” Toni said, bending down at her front door.

“Blowing me off again huh?” Shelby asked, rolling her eyes.

“No! I didn’t think I’d have to look good this early.” Toni said, smirking.

“Okay, hurry up! This Gatorade isn’t gonna stay cold.” Shelby said, holding up an orange Gatorade.

Toni ran inside quickly, adjusted her hoodie a few times, and slicked back the few frizzy curls that refused to lay flat on her head.

Toni ran down her steps and slammed the door behind her.

“One second.” She said, dropping her duffle bag into the passenger seat.

She ran back inside, and Shelby watched through the window, and through the screen door, as Toni fed Bailey a piece of waffle and kissed her puppy lips.

“Bye Bailey!” Toni shouted, shutting the door for a second time.

Shelby smiled and bit her lip, looking away as Toni got into the car.

Toni stuck the waffle she’d been eating between her teeth as she buckled her seat belt.

As Toni chucked her bag into the back seat, Shelby reached over for the waffle that was still in Toni’s mouth and tore off half.

“Hey! I made tho-

“No you didn’t.” Shelby said, as Toni tried to reach for the stolen breakfast sliver.

“Your friend Marty told me about these. They were on her Pinterest.”

She smirked at Toni and tossed it into her mouth.

Toni couldn’t help but stare at her.

She felt that feeling, the one that she liked, but feared the most.

As they drove down the street, she felt it, like wind wrapping up her lungs, blowing into her throat making it hard to breathe.

She wiped both hands on her bare thighs, feeling the sweat from her hands meet her warm, dry skin.

///

“You okay?” Shelby asked, lowering her window, letting some of the autumn air creep into the car.

“Yeah. Fine, just nerves.” Toni said, smoothening the ponytail that lay against her scalp.

“You don’t strike me as the ‘nerves’ type.” Shelby said, turning into the parking lot.

“What makes you think that?” Toni asked, her voice inclining with genuine concern.

“I don’t know.” Shelby said, putting the car in park.

“Wait, wait, wait. You can’t do that. I hate that.” Toni said, pressing her hands to the sides of her head in anguish.

“Do what?” Shelby asked, laughing as she tried to pull Toni’s hands free from her head.

“You can’t say something you think about me and then not elaborate, so please, elaborate.” Toni said, smiling at the blonde next to her.

She looked at Shelby as she waited for her to articulate her response.

///

The sun was finally up, and the light was coming through the window.

Shelby had her hand beneath her chin, as she gazed out the window in thought.

The golden light beamed off of her eyes, making them appear more hazel than they’d been when Toni first drowned in their sea-green hue.

Her hair was golden, and the smell of honey and sage drifted off of it into Toni’s sinuses as she breathed in.

“I guess,” Shelby finally began after a long pause, “you’re this fiery, passionate person, and I think you give off this really confident energy because you feel like you have to for approval. I don’t think you should, and I think you could afford to be vulnerable. I like vulnerability. It shows people that you care, you know?” Shelby said.

Shelby had kept her fingers latched around Toni’s after she’d pulled them away from the brunette’s temples.

“Yeah.” Toni whispered, looking down at their hands interwoven, resting on the center console.

Shelby looked away from Toni’s stare, but held on to her pinky.

“Can I ask you something?” Toni asked.

“Depends.” Shelby said, unbuckling her seatbelt, getting a better view of the girl beside her.

Toni gulped, as she was looking directly at Shelby now. “A few days ago, when I assumed that the shit you’re dealing with is ‘new girl’ shit. It isn’t. Is it?”

Shelby looked down at her lap and began to fumble with the stretchy material of her cheer skirt.

“No.” She said, her voice cracking.

“You don’t have to tell me. I just wanted to be an open ear if you needed one.” Toni said, making sure her eyes stayed on Shelby’s.

“You know that thing that happens when,” Shelby started, taking a deep, shaky breath in, “you don’t like something you should, and you like something that you shouldn’t or, you like the thing that’s more difficult?”

Toni’s face softened at the thought of what those words often meant to someone like her.

“I kissed someone. At the end of last year. I spent a lot of time with them and we dated and it was fine. Then, we parted because they went to college and I was left here, and I met someone new, someone who was,” she said shakily, her eyes starting to water, “they were different. When I was with them, it felt like how it was supposed to you know, and that terrified me. I guess I’m just. Not ready to talk about just yet. And, not because I’m ashamed because I’m not. It’s just hard to do when you’re Little Miss perfect to everyone but yourself, the Pastor’s daughter, and the cheer captain of your high school. It's just a lot. The pressure.”

“Well,” Toni said, gripping tighter onto Shelby’s finger beneath hers, “whenever it is that you feel ready,” she said, bunching the end of her hoodie sleeve into her other fist, “I want you to know that I’m here.” she said, as she brought her hand to Shelby’s cheek, wiping the tears that had started trailing down her sun kissed skin.

“What did I do to earn that?” Shelby asked, her eyebrows furrowed above her teary eyes.

“Earn what?” Toni asked.

“You.” Shelby said, starting to run her fingers up Toni’s arm.

Toni shivered at the touch on her arm.

“Well, it started with my C in physics and then my D in calc.”

Shelby laughed and pushed Toni playfully into the back of her seat.

Toni looked at her for a moment, tilting her head to line up with hers, which had been resting crookedly against the headrest for some time.

Shelby began to cry again, and Toni’s sleeve was used once again, rubbing against her soft cheek and her cupid’s bow

“You saved my life.” Toni said finally, the words making her throat ache.

There was a silence that sat in the air, longingly, like the fog on the lakes in Minnesota summers.

Shelby broke the silence, “We should probably go in there.” she said, nodding towards the building.

“Kinda sucks though, no?” Toni groaned, moving closer to the center console.

“Yeah, but we could do something after.” Shelby said, feeling Toni’s hair swipe against her shoulder.

“I’m listening.” Toni said, reaching into the backseat.

“We have the Unit 5 test on Tuesday. Review and pizza?” Shelby asked.

“My place?” Toni asked.

“Your place.” Shelby said, scrunching her nose.

Toni lifted her arm from the back, holding her and Shelby’s bags on one arm, and her basketball in the other hand.

“Then it’s a date.” Toni said, quickly realizing the words that had left her mouth.

“I didn’t mean--

“It is.” Shelby said, taking the basketball from Toni’s hand.

Toni sat, her mouth agape, thinking her jaw might lock if she didn’t shut it soon.

Shelby opened her door and walked over to the passenger side, dribbling the ball as she went.

Toni got out and leaned against the car.

“You’re doing that horribly wrong.” Toni said, watching Shelby chase after the ball.

“What do you mean Tony Parker?” Shelby said laughing.

“Oh fucking gross. I forgot you’re a Spurs fan.” Toni said, stealing the ball from her.

“You’re just upset that your Wolves have never won a championship. It’s okay to admit you’re jealous you know!” Shelby snapped back, chasing Toni through the cars scattered in the parking lot.

“I’m not jealous! Give me that!” Toni said, reaching for the ball that bounced between Shelby’s palm and the cement.

Shelby stopped abruptly and turned to face Toni.

Toni bumped into her, their eyes meeting immediately.

Shelby held the ball between her two palms and pushed it firmly into Toni’s chest.

Toni swallowed, starting to open her mouth.

“Meet you in the gym at noon?” Shelby asked, squinting her eyes as the sun protruded them.

“Of course.” Toni said.

“We’ll see who makes it out alive.” Shelby said, turning on her heels headed for the double doors.

“Fuck.” Toni whispered, after she’d gone through the doors.

As Toni made her way through the same doors, she started to feel that feeling again.

She felt her breath hitch again, the way it had when Shelby pressed the basketball to her chest.

She felt her palms get warmer, like Shelby’s cheek under her jacket sleeve.

Toni walked past the cheer team’s side of the gym, peering at Shelby as she made her way to the lockers.

Shelby stood on top of the pyramid, her posture perfect, her hair up high in a bun, a few strands falling just past her ears.

Toni smiled, then started to make her way to the lockers.

///

“Hey!” Toni yelled across the gym.

“Hey you.” Shelby said.

Everyone else had left, and the gym smelled like sweat and Victoria’s Secret body spray.

“How was it?” Shelby asked.

“Suicides, shooting drills, then some footwork. Almost puked after about the 4th set of suicides. You?” Toni asked.

“All right I guess. Got my posture better. Being a flyer never gets easier.” Shelby said.

Toni smiled, remembering how she’d seen her on top of the pyramid earlier.

“Why’s that?” Toni asked.

“Because heights freak me the fuck out.” Shelby said. “I usually start to shake, but today I guess something clicked and I didn’t.”

“Oh yeah? What clicked? To make you less scared I mean.” Toni asked, making her way to the center of the court.

“I don’t know. I think I just felt okay for once. I normally feel this huge weight on my chest, and it wasn’t there.” Shelby said.

“That’s awesome! I’m proud of you.” Toni said, spinning her into a hug.

As Toni felt Shelby nestle into her shoulder, she couldn’t help but think about what they’d talked about in the car. She wondered how long Shelby had carried so much.

She knew how it felt to carry something for so long, and when you finally let go, it’s like a renewal.

Renewing yourself to a world where you don’t feel ashamed to just be.

Toni couldn’t help but feel the same. 

She had something good for once and she thought that maybe, that this time, she wouldn’t let it fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! I hope you enjoyed chapter 2! this one was so much fun to write. i’m trying really hard to have this still be a slow burn, but there is so much tension happening I WANT TO COMBUST OMFG. i hope you guys have an awesome weekend, and feel free to dm me on twitter (tonishvlby) with any suggestions, ideas, or if you just want to chat :)


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is where it gets a bit....smutty
> 
> YOU GUYS. this chapter....i am very impressed with myself. i tried to keep the build up super strong and just have HELLA tension and i think i did just that. i really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter though. sorry for the wait. sometimes it's worth the wait though, as you will see ;))
> 
> twitter: tonishvlby

Toni lay cross legged on her tiny bed, a piece of pizza wobbling between her nimble fingers.

Shelby looked around contently at the tiny room.

Shelby often found herself comforted by smaller spaces, ones where she didn’t feel the need to be someone she wasn’t.

Places where she didn’t have to meet the expectations of prissy parents or pageant coordinators.

She felt like that no matter where she was with Toni.

It’s one of the things that kept her up at night.

What that feeling meant.

Shelby hopped off of the bed, breadstick in hand.

“I need an explanation.” she said, pointing to a Miami Heat poster.

Toni slid off the bed and walked to her wall, the white-chipped paint from her wall collecting at her feet.

“Well, the LeBron, D-Wade era was like one of the best things that ever happened to the NBA. Is that a good enough explanation?” Toni asked, making her way to the wall.

“We’re in Minnesota. Are you a bandwagon Shalifoe?” Shelby asked, laughing into Toni’s chest.

“Oh, I am not. I just know a deadly duo when I see one.” Toni said.

She stifled the tiny voice in her head, urging her to say, “Kind of like you and me.”

Shelby made her way back to Toni’s bed, and opened her book.

She glanced over to see Toni chewing on the end of her pencil, her jaw clenched as she nibbled the end

Shelby tended to pick up on a lot of little things about Toni every time they hung out together, and today was no different.

When she was supposed to be solving cubed roots, she was actually trying to figure out what thoughts were the ones that made Toni’s lips curl.

She’d seen it occur one too many times in her presence, and daydreamed about what existed in the mind of Toni Shalifoe.

What were all of the things that she kept unsaid?

Was she oblivious to the fact that she often kept Shelby awake for hours, for one reason or another?

Was it her mere existence? The way her voice sounded when she’d just woken up and called to hear how Shelby’s day had been?

Was it the way her nose would scrunch with each bite of pizza?

Or how her hair fell perfectly into place, just meeting the crooks of her elbows?

Or maybe it was how whenever they were close, Shelby felt Toni’s chest get tighter, and her breath heavier.

That was the thing that they both had in common.

The feeling that they both feared.

“It’s a Friday and I am spending it studying for calc. This is an all time low for me.” Toni said, gulping down another piece of pizza.

“All time low? Rude.” Shelby said, kicking playfully at Toni’s legs.

Toni grinned and shook her head at the smitten blonde that lay beside her.

Toni scooched her back up against her headboard.

“I mean,” she started, “not everything is bad. You--

They stared at each other, their lips separated.

Shelby felt the thing she wasn’t supposed to feel: the rush that set in, starting in the pit of her abdomen, settling between her legs.

Matthew 5:28.

“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Shelby wondered what they’d say about looking at another woman with lustful intent, as she crossed her legs and shifted a bit to make the ache go away.

Toni’s eyes looked darker than usual, her face looked desperate.

“Me.” Shelby said, her voice lower, huskier than usual.

“You,” Toni started, “you make it worth it.” she whispered, tucking a blonde strand behind Shelby’s ear.

Shelby took the chain around Toni’s neck and fumbled it between nervous fingers.

“Do you,” Toni breathed, “wanna take a break?” Toni asked, her voice in a whisper.

“I don’t know.” Shelby said.

She tucked Toni’s chain beneath her tank top.

“I mean, we could go outside.” Toni said enthusiastically.

“It’s 11:00 pm, Toni are you nuts?” Shelby asked, furrowing her brows.

“It’s fine don’t worry, I have a bat just in case.” Toni said, lifting a metal bat from the depths of her closet.

“Oh my God.” Shelby said laughing, following Toni down the stairs.

///

“You really weren’t joking about the bat.” Shelby said, watching Toni prop the bat against the side of the garage.

“No ma’am. Safety first right?” Toni asked.

“Right.” Shelby said, breathing in the night air.

Toni shuffled into the garage and switched on the light.

She made her way to the cluster of taped boxes and old clothes, and opened one titled, ‘BBALL CAMP ‘13’

She took out a basketball that had ‘Shalifoe, #3’ scribbled on one side.

“What are you doing?” Shelby asked, trying to snatch the ball from Toni’s grip.

“I’m gonna teach you how to do this properly.” Toni said, dribbling the ball between her two legs, her back pressed against Shelby’s chest.

“What? Post you up?” Shelby asked, reaching in between Toni’s arms.

“Damn. You actually know something about basketball?” Toni asked, flashing a quick smirk at Shelby.

“Yes, for your information, I do know things about basketball. One being, I can beat you 1v1. Right now.” Shelby said, swatting the ball away from Toni.

Toni stood in the center of her driveway now, hunched over.

“It’s not gonna be that easy.” Toni said.

“Why’s that?” Shelby said, tilting her head.

“There’s a catch.” Toni said.

“Okay, I’m listening.” Shelby said, her face contorting in confusion.

“The winner gets to ask the loser whatever they want.” Toni said, averting her eyes to the pavement.

“Deal.” Shelby said, making an L on her forehead.

“Oh you are so fucked Goodkind.” Toni said, rubbing her hands together.

Shelby smirked at the joke that floated along her brainwaves.

Shelby began dribbling the ball, lowering her shoulders and leaning back against Toni’s chest.

“Stop.” Toni said.

“What?” Shelby said, pivoting around to face the brunette.

“Your form, like a negative sixteen out of ten. Here.” Toni said, putting her arms on Shelby’s sides.

Shelby inhaled sharply.

Shelby had never been touched in that way.

Nothing beyond a hug or a light brush against a body in the hallway.

When Toni did, her fingernails lingered, and they trailed against her torso.

It made Shelby shiver.

“Are you okay?” Toni asked.

“Yeah. Sorry, continue.” Shelby said, her face becoming flushed.

Shelby felt Toni’s hands travel between her lower back, then her sides, and they stumbled along her hip bones.

She listened to the instructions that fluttered out of Toni’s mouth, as the world around her became hazy.

“Did you get that?” Toni asked.

Water started to shower from the night sky above.

They both looked up to the sky, and listened to the showers for a brief moment.

As both faces were doused by the rush of April rain, Shelby turned her chin back down to face Toni.

“I can’t do this.” Shelby said.

“What’s wrong? Oh, I see. You’re giving in because you know I would beat you. I get it.” Toni said smirking, licking her lips.

“Loser still gets to ask a question though,” Shelby started, inching closer to Toni, “and this is me forfeiting.” Shelby said, her hands finding their place around Toni.

“What’s your question then?” Toni inquired, sucking the rain drops from her upper lip.

Shelby looked at Toni, at her soaking wet shirt, then at the rain drops glistening on her forehead.

“Hypothetically, how would you let someone know that you want to kiss them?” Shelby asked, fumbling with her fingers that were wrapped around Toni’s back.

Shelby continued to stare at Toni, as she watched her eyes flutter down to her lips.

“Hypothetically, the first thing I would do is grab their hand.” Toni said, interlocking her fingers with Shelby’s.

Shelby looked down at her feet, avoiding any and all eye contact.

She was nervous.

A part of her never wanted to believe and pushed away any sort of inkling that Toni might have felt the same, because she knew it would only cause more trouble within herself.

She couldn’t help the way she felt when she was with Toni.

The stares, the heightened breathing, the sweat.

It all seemed too good to be true.

Toni inched closer, touching the toes of her shoes to Shelby’s.

“Next, I would,” Toni whispered, unlocking her fingers, “pull them closer.” Toni said, pulling Shelby into her by the small of her back.

Shelby looked up into those brown eyes.

They were darker than how she’d remembered them.

There was longing that was hidden behind their hazelnut brown hue.

A familiar voice started to bellow in the back of Shelby’s mind.

It was her pastor.

Galatians 5:17.

“For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”

On this Friday night in April, Shelby found herself lusting for the things she had not done, for the things she wished.

She snapped herself out of the Bible lecture that had begun in her mind, and shifted her glance back to Toni.

Toni was now within inches distance of her face.

“Do you want me to keep going?” Toni mumbled.

“Yes.” Shelby said firmly.

“Now, I would ask this person to put their arm around my neck.” She said, wrapping Shelby’s arm around her neck.

“And then,” Shelby breathed.

“Then, I would look down at their lips,” Toni said, flickering her eyes to Shelby’s lips, “then back to their eyes.” She said, her eyes fixated on the blue-green ones in front of her.

“What’s the last st-

Before she could finish her sentence, Toni’s lips crashed into hers.

Shelby felt the rush set in between her legs once again, as Toni’s lips slid across hers.

She moaned softly into Toni’s mouth, as she dug her nails into the wet material of Toni’s tank top.

“Is this okay?” Toni whispered, as she waddled and pushed Shelby cautiously into the garage.

As her back hit the wall, she took a second to really look at Toni.

“Yes.” Shelby sighed.

Toni took one of Shelby’s legs and wrapped it around her waist, so she stood between Shelby now.

Shelby wrapped her hand around Toni’s neck once more as they began to kiss again, with more passion than before.

“Can I just--

Toni shuffled back, concerned at Shelby’s interjection.

“Are you okay? Do you wanna st-

Shelby’s shirt dropped to the floor at once, and she pushed Toni against the wall.

Before Toni could react, her chest was pressed against Shelby’s, and her hands were wound up in her hair.

“Are you sure you want your first time to be in my garage?” Toni asked, trying to slow down her own breathing.

“I just want it to be with you.” Shelby said, a tear dropping to the floor.

Toni wiped Shelby’s tear-streaked cheeks.

“Okay.” Toni said.

Shelby was back against the wall now, Toni positioned between her legs.

Her hand dropped from Shelby’s hair.

Toni settled her hand between Shelby’s legs.

Shelby gasped for air, as something that was once held sacred to her, was broken by the power of passion.

By lust that stood in her heart for the girl in front of her.

She started to quake, sounds escaping the back of her throat.

1 John 2:16

"For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world."

As Toni dropped to her knees, Shelby’s previous analysis of those words was washed away.

The smell of Toni’s skin against hers.

The lust she’d seen in Toni’s eyes.

And pride.

Pride that radiated within her being as she succumbed beneath Toni.

As she fell into Toni’s arms, she realized that those things didn’t come from the Father.

They came from being in love.


End file.
